this is a rock and roll takeover

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 03:09:08 GMT

come
come back to me my
my darling

i wasnt prepared for this
no
i wasnt prepared for this
no

oh when the day is blue, i sit here
wondering about you...

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 09:56:02 GMT

do i really deserve this? does my heart deserve this burden?

youre gonna get it real bad.

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 08:58:13 GMT

im so frustrated i could explode. i hate living i hate living i hate living i hate living i hate living i hate living i hate living.

im just worthless and i feel like a burden to everyone. god dammit i hate it. i hate my past i hate my present and my future looks doomed. yeah i could try my hardest to make it good but something will ruin it.

will you remember me when im gone?

wow i can ruin everything.

Tue, 27 Mar 2007 04:51:31 GMT

i dont even want to say whats going through my mind. im scared to talk to her, thats for sure. it just feels like whatever i do something is going to put a wall up in front of me. the sweatshirt im wearing smells like her perfume and it makes me feel relaxed. i want to go crazy.

today was good. work was awesome. i make commission.

you're the girl with the daimond eyes...

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 14:04:21 GMT

today was a pretty awesome day. i havent had a good day in a while so it was really nice to experience one. a couple of really unexpected things happened and they really made me feel good. i got to hang out with troy and chris grace for a while, and i got to spend a lot of time with sarah, and i loved it. it was really unexpected but i was in heaven the whole time.

hopefully tomorrow (today) i will get the call and i can finally start working at a job that i can enjoy.

three legged machines, they haunt my dreams

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 09:24:58 GMT

i dont even know were to start. i just hope to god things start getting better. they were for a bit. i was still kinda crazy but at least i had a tiny grip on things. at least i was moving forward, if slowly. now, dead stop. no, not even. backwards, at a very high speed.

well, im going to be going to ohlone. im sitting in on classes after spring break. my mom is helping pay for the classes and books so thats exciting.

im trying to get a better job. i sent my resume to Avalon Bay communities. Thats were troy's mom works. im hoping i could get a job at the one in dublin, so i can get a discount on an apartment and be able to move out next month. then i will live in dublin, which would be really nice. a guy i used to work with at apple needs a roomate soon so that could possibly work out really well.

someone went through the amazing trouble to drag my name through the mud. no, not someone. you. i know you did it. i hate that i feel such hatred for someone (or more than one person) but i do. i have proof. at least i have proof. i need to be vindicated so that my life isnt completely ruined. and its not like you got me good or anything, you caused alot of suffering for someone that wasnt even involved. careless. i hate that she had to cry again. i hate that i cant be trusted.

this is why its so hard to think of myself as someone with a future or someone who can rise above and be a better person and live a good life and be someone that people can be proud of.

there is one thing in life that i really really want and there are things in life that are trying really hard to keep it from me.

i am a different person. i am a different person. i am a different person. i am a different person. i am a different person. i am a different person. i am a different person.

my 21st birthday has officially been the darkest birthday of my life. i feel like im being lowered into the pits of hell, getting darker and darker. i havent been happy for a long time now. i hope summer can come wash this all away. i hope summer brings change.

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 04:01:00 GMT

because whenever people treat you like shit, it hurts.thats why.

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 05:53:27 GMT

wow. why do i give a fuck?

why do i find myself lurking their profiles to see what they are up to? why do i find myself looking at the PA myspace to see if anyone left a comment wondering where i went?

i shouldnt. they didnt treat me like a friend when i tried so hard to just fit in. then, at my lowest of lows, they kick me out and leave me by myself.

and you know what gloria? i would love to fix that car and bring it to you but you know what? the reason i had to borrow your car in the first place is because IM VERY UNFORTUNATE.

i bump someone on a rainy day on the freeway coming home from manteca AT THE WORST JOB EVER. and i slide into a guy at like 5 mph. he tries to make a claim. fuck me.

then, the car breaks down. not from me driving it, thank god it was a long standing problem that was there before i even knew the car existed. but, fuck me again.

i just started working. i get paid not this tuesday, not the next one, but the one after that. fuck me thrice.

at my lowest of times, the times where i felt the most alone and the most seperated from everyone else on the planet, you kick me out and blame all of the bands problems on me. ill bend over for this one. FUCK ME.

im starting to rebuild and i am a little proud, but i try to remain humble because ultimately, i got myself here.

i was offered help that was a curse in disguise. i should have known, i cant believe my dad was actually right. it makes me feel so used.

i just want to start over. not entirely, but i want to destroy everyones impression of me and come out new. to come out of this a hardworking, sacrificing, humble, REAL, person. i wanna be myself. and i wanna stop relying on people for happiness. if i cant be happy by myself, then i dont know.

gotta start seeing the therapist more. i might find a different one. it helps, but not alot. its just a place to get stuff off my chest. sometimes i think im crazy.

i dont know why im updating this. i dont know why im posting this online, but it kinda feels like getting things off my chest so, ill take it.

for the very very very few who actually believe in me, thank you so much. i dont know if anyone actually does, but its nice to think they do.

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 00:29:30 GMT

i'm excited to start working on thursday.

im gonna go see a basketball game tonight at cal state.

tomorrow i might go with jordan to guitar center.

im gonna finish all these song ideas i have. i have to.

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 22:02:02 GMT

yeah i dunno.

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 22:16:44 GMT

tools. some people are fucking tools.

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 11:37:00 GMT

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Wed, 03 Jan 2007 02:22:56 GMT

shapes & distance.

i think im gonna get a job working at a bookstore. that would be rad.

im excited.

im sorry.

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 00:15:29 GMT

im sorry.

im sorry i treated you like shit. im sorry i got comfortable. im sorry i didnt see what was really happening. im sorry i make stupid mistakes. im sorry i get upset when you talk about them. im sorry i take too long to be a better person. im sorry that i have this weird understanding of love. im sorry i didnt know what love really was until i met you. im sorry i took advantage. im sorry i never took you out. im sorry i didnt try harder. im sorry i didnt stay out of my dads house. im sorry my parents are fuckups. im sorry im a fuckup. im sorry i blow my money on stupid things. im sorry i dont save money. im sorry i dont hold a job. im sorry im quick tempered. im sorry im restless. im sorry im not intelligent. im sorry im careless. im sorry i dont think. im sorry i dont call you. im sorry i complain so much. im sorry i get depressed about problems i caused. im sorry im not witty. im sorry i dress like a hobo. im sorry i havent gone to school yet. im sorry i procrastinate. im sorry my priorities are completely backwards. im sorry i burden you. im sorry your parents hate me. im sorry my dad is an asshole. im sorry i waste time. im sorry i dont understand. im sorry that i think with just my heart all the time. im sorry im hungry. im sorry you drove out here so much. im sorry you spent so much money. im sorry you spent so much time. im sorry i wasnt there for you. im sorry my inadequacies outweigh my motivation. im sorry im slow. im sorry im lazy. im sorry i spend too much time on the computer. im sorry i care too much about what people think of me. im sorry it took me so long to realize what i had. im sorry i blew it. im sorry you had more to complain about then to brag about when it came to me. im sorry you cant talk about your life around your family. im sorry your family judges you because of me. im sorry i never have or answer my cell phone. im sorry i cant take jokes. im sorry i mess up again and again. im sorry i have so much hope. im sorry that i want to make you happy. im sorry you had to meet me.

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 01:52:22 GMT

i dont know.

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 10:05:15 GMT

said the little lamb to the shephard boy, "Do you hear what I hear?".

happy jesus christ's birthday, everyone.

Mon, 25 Dec 2006 00:30:29 GMT

merry christmas.

Sun, 24 Dec 2006 04:40:08 GMT

i'm at home. ive been alone alot lately. very alone.

yeasterday i saw some good friends after a long time. it was fun but short lived. hopefully i can see them again soon.

i really want to write more. ive been messing around at home but nothing solid, just ideas. i need to be around more musicians.

maybe its because i dont have a cell phone, but i feel like no one wants or trys to get ahold of me. thats scary to me.

ok more sitting.

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 00:14:31 GMT

i dont think that anyone cares that im not around.

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 08:10:33 GMT

at home, playing guitar. ive been doing alot of sitting lately. its fun. not.

i just want things to fix themselves. i dont have the energy and means to fix everything right now.

i need a job, car, money, life. i dont know what im going to do.

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 07:37:21 GMT

god im hating life right now!!!! ahhhhhhh!!!!!!

starting now, i'm starting over

Sat, 16 Dec 2006 09:50:58 GMT

played that battle of the bands show tonight. it was ok. not that many people there. i guess its possible we could win, but im not worried if we do or not. sarah came:-) she came with jordan, so i guess that means he doesnt hate my guts that much. thats good. we had alot of fun tonight reading books about urban art, guitars, and secrets i wrote in a book. then we had in and out. they just dropped me off.

i was at jamba juice earlier today and these people pulled up in one of those red bull cooper minis. they where talking about how cool the job was and how fun it was. i asked how well iot payed and they said well, but they werent specific. they gave me a card and told me to apply and they said to put their names down as a referral. that job could be pretty sweet. basically you drive this red bull car around and give people free red bull, and talk to people about energy. hah, well see.

my face hurts and im tired. wah wah wah i bitch alot. haha. i want a jagmaster. ugh.

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 03:00:41 GMT

im sorry. im careless. im just struggling with how to deal. obviously, i dont do it so well.

im so sorry. this isnt working out the way i was hoping. im trying, goddammit. i swear.

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 22:15:29 GMT

aaaaahhhhhh jeez im even more stressed out then before. im gonna go see my psychologist today. give him an update and talk to him about stuff. he says he has exercizes for me to try.

yeah i have a psychologist. dont worry.

im freezing, home alone, online, and waiting for my paycheck. then i can leave. we have practice tonight i think.

picture atlantic show tomorrow in south san fransisco with make amends. im pretty excited. worried that my guitar is gonna cut out in the middle of the show? yeah. oh well.

im still sick as hell and my throat hurts. awww, hell, what am i saying? my whole freaking body is aching and stiff.

life is kicking my ass.

eyes on me.

Tue, 05 Dec 2006 05:58:10 GMT

im thinking of a number between one and five million. take a guess.

i hate my job. home depot is not a comfortable place. everyone i work with is an asshole and treats me like shit, and the job is lame. it pays extremely well but thats it. and why would i want to commute to hayward every day for work? oh yeah thats right, i dont.

i decided im going to work there long enough to save a few thousand, then find another job that pays at least somewhere close to what i get there. or just start going to school to get a job doing what i really love. i want to go to school and learn about circuits and electricity and amplifiers ad all of that so i can work for a company that makes guitar amplifiers like mesa boogie or fender. and hopefully i will be able to start my own business.

i would rather commute to san jose every day to work at guitar center than commute to home depot with my current pay. thats not cool. i feel like im gonna get fired just by the way they treat me. hate it.

i've been thinking of you lately. alot.