come
come back to me my
my darling

i wasnt prepared for this
no
i wasnt prepared for this
no

oh when the day is blue, i sit here
wondering about you...

do i really deserve this? does my heart deserve this burden?

im so frustrated i could explode. i hate living i hate living i hate living i hate living i hate living i hate living i hate living.

im just worthless and i feel like a burden to everyone. god dammit i hate it. i hate my past i hate my present and my future looks doomed. yeah i could try my hardest to make it good but something will ruin it.

will you remember me when im gone?

i dont even want to say whats going through my mind. im scared to talk to her, thats for sure. it just feels like whatever i do something is going to put a wall up in front of me. the sweatshirt im wearing smells like her perfume and it makes me feel relaxed. i want to go crazy.

today was good. work was awesome. i make commission.

today was a pretty awesome day. i havent had a good day in a while so it was really nice to experience one. a couple of really unexpected things happened and they really made me feel good. i got to hang out with troy and chris grace for a while, and i got to spend a lot of time with sarah, and i loved it. it was really unexpected but i was in heaven the whole time.

hopefully tomorrow (today) i will get the call and i can finally start working at a job that i can enjoy.

i dont even know were to start. i just hope to god things start getting better. they were for a bit. i was still kinda crazy but at least i had a tiny grip on things. at least i was moving forward, if slowly. now, dead stop. no, not even. backwards, at a very high speed.

well, im going to be going to ohlone. im sitting in on classes after spring break. my mom is helping pay for the classes and books so thats exciting.

im trying to get a better job. i sent my resume to Avalon Bay communities. Thats were troy's mom works. im hoping i could get a job at the one in dublin, so i can get a discount on an apartment and be able to move out next month. then i will live in dublin, which would be really nice. a guy i used to work with at apple needs a roomate soon so that could possibly work out really well.

someone went through the amazing trouble to drag my name through the mud. no, not someone. you. i know you did it. i hate that i feel such hatred for someone (or more than one person) but i do. i have proof. at least i have proof. i need to be vindicated so that my life isnt completely ruined. and its not like you got me good or anything, you caused alot of suffering for someone that wasnt even involved. careless. i hate that she had to cry again. i hate that i cant be trusted.

this is why its so hard to think of myself as someone with a future or someone who can rise above and be a better person and live a good life and be someone that people can be proud of.

there is one thing in life that i really really want and there are things in life that are trying really hard to keep it from me.

i am a different person. i am a different person. i am a different person. i am a different person. i am a different person. i am a different person. i am a different person.

my 21st birthday has officially been the darkest birthday of my life. i feel like im being lowered into the pits of hell, getting darker and darker. i havent been happy for a long time now. i hope summer can come wash this all away. i hope summer brings change.

because whenever people treat you like shit, it hurts.thats why.

wow. why do i give a fuck?

why do i find myself lurking their profiles to see what they are up to? why do i find myself looking at the PA myspace to see if anyone left a comment wondering where i went?

i shouldnt. they didnt treat me like a friend when i tried so hard to just fit in. then, at my lowest of lows, they kick me out and leave me by myself.

and you know what gloria? i would love to fix that car and bring it to you but you know what? the reason i had to borrow your car in the first place is because IM VERY UNFORTUNATE.

i bump someone on a rainy day on the freeway coming home from manteca AT THE WORST JOB EVER. and i slide into a guy at like 5 mph. he tries to make a claim. fuck me.

then, the car breaks down. not from me driving it, thank god it was a long standing problem that was there before i even knew the car existed. but, fuck me again.

i just started working. i get paid not this tuesday, not the next one, but the one after that. fuck me thrice.

at my lowest of times, the times where i felt the most alone and the most seperated from everyone else on the planet, you kick me out and blame all of the bands problems on me. ill bend over for this one. FUCK ME.

im starting to rebuild and i am a little proud, but i try to remain humble because ultimately, i got myself here.

i was offered help that was a curse in disguise. i should have known, i cant believe my dad was actually right. it makes me feel so used.

i just want to start over. not entirely, but i want to destroy everyones impression of me and come out new. to come out of this a hardworking, sacrificing, humble, REAL, person. i wanna be myself. and i wanna stop relying on people for happiness. if i cant be happy by myself, then i dont know.

gotta start seeing the therapist more. i might find a different one. it helps, but not alot. its just a place to get stuff off my chest. sometimes i think im crazy.


i dont know why im updating this. i dont know why im posting this online, but it kinda feels like getting things off my chest so, ill take it.

for the very very very few who actually believe in me, thank you so much. i dont know if anyone actually does, but its nice to think they do.

i'm excited to start working on thursday.

im gonna go see a basketball game tonight at cal state.

tomorrow i might go with jordan to guitar center.

im gonna finish all these song ideas i have. i have to.

yeah i dunno.

tools. some people are fucking tools.

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shapes & distance.


i think im gonna get a job working at a bookstore. that would be rad.

im excited.

im sorry.

im sorry i treated you like shit. im sorry i got comfortable. im sorry i didnt see what was really happening. im sorry i make stupid mistakes. im sorry i get upset when you talk about them. im sorry i take too long to be a better person. im sorry that i have this weird understanding of love. im sorry i didnt know what love really was until i met you. im sorry i took advantage. im sorry i never took you out. im sorry i didnt try harder. im sorry i didnt stay out of my dads house. im sorry my parents are fuckups. im sorry im a fuckup. im sorry i blow my money on stupid things. im sorry i dont save money. im sorry i dont hold a job. im sorry im quick tempered. im sorry im restless. im sorry im not intelligent. im sorry im careless. im sorry i dont think. im sorry i dont call you. im sorry i complain so much. im sorry i get depressed about problems i caused. im sorry im not witty. im sorry i dress like a hobo. im sorry i havent gone to school yet. im sorry i procrastinate. im sorry my priorities are completely backwards. im sorry i burden you. im sorry your parents hate me. im sorry my dad is an asshole. im sorry i waste time. im sorry i dont understand. im sorry that i think with just my heart all the time. im sorry im hungry. im sorry you drove out here so much. im sorry you spent so much money. im sorry you spent so much time. im sorry i wasnt there for you. im sorry my inadequacies outweigh my motivation. im sorry im slow. im sorry im lazy. im sorry i spend too much time on the computer. im sorry i care too much about what people think of me. im sorry it took me so long to realize what i had. im sorry i blew it. im sorry you had more to complain about then to brag about when it came to me. im sorry you cant talk about your life around your family. im sorry your family judges you because of me. im sorry i never have or answer my cell phone. im sorry i cant take jokes. im sorry i mess up again and again. im sorry i have so much hope. im sorry that i want to make you happy. im sorry you had to meet me.

i dont know.

said the little lamb to the shephard boy, "Do you hear what I hear?".


happy jesus christ's birthday, everyone.

merry christmas.

i'm at home. ive been alone alot lately. very alone.

yeasterday i saw some good friends after a long time. it was fun but short lived. hopefully i can see them again soon.


i really want to write more. ive been messing around at home but nothing solid, just ideas. i need to be around more musicians.

maybe its because i dont have a cell phone, but i feel like no one wants or trys to get ahold of me. thats scary to me.

ok more sitting.

i dont think that anyone cares that im not around.

at home, playing guitar. ive been doing alot of sitting lately. its fun. not.

i just want things to fix themselves. i dont have the energy and means to fix everything right now.

i need a job, car, money, life. i dont know what im going to do.